mrghort

Summary of my Oracle Training CD:

“With Oracle9i, you can fuck a duck using the FUCK_DUCK function. The Oracle9i FUCK_DUCK function is used to a fuck a duck and returns the value of the fucked duck in the format that you specify, in Oracle9i.”

This is accompanied by a Windows 3.1-quality diagram depicting a duck, a green arrow, and an enormous grey cylinder with the word “database” next to it.

Following is an interactive slide where I am forced to type something like this:

SELECT duck_date, FUCK_DUCK(duck_date,’fmDDMMYY’)
FROM duck_table;

There are about 500 of these.

Every once in a while they mix things up and throw in a little quiz just to make sure I’m paying attention:

Identify the function that fucks a duck:

A – FUCK_DUCK
B – LOOSE_GOOSE
C – DADDY_LONGSHANKS
D – RED_GLOWING

Ghort’s Law of Contradictory Asymetric Dressing Protocol holds that a person’s preferred state of public dress (i.e. the clothes that one wears outside of the house or inside the house when other persons are visiting) must consist of, at minimum, one item that covers the full lenth of of each of two appendages of same type and one item that covers less than half of each of two appendages of same type. In other words NONE OF THOSE GODDAMN CAPRI PANTS.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/08/21/menonly.sundayschool.ap/index.html

Being the hard-hitting journalist that I am, I followed up with Miss Lambert.

“I”m going to rip his head off and shit down his fucking neck,” she stated calmly, before offering me another glass of fresh lemonade.

Earthlink, making great strides in web accessibility.

Don’t get me wrong, having an octopus head is definitely in the top 5 of Awesome Animal Heads to Have, but I just don’t understand how cutting out your own heart and putting it in a box earns you immortality, a sailing ship that doubles as an open-air submarine, an awesome pipe organ, and an octopus head. Maybe it’s just that no one had the brass balls to actually try it before, but wow. I’ve been dumped before too dude, but it didn’t make me want to spend the rest of eternity hanging out with a bunch of barnacled assholes on a ship that just goes around ruining everyone’s day.

Also, no one’s buying the whole “so in love with a woman” excuse either. That dude sets of my gay-octo-dar like a pachinko machine.

http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1i_l0OeeMc

Most badass sports-related anything since then Cubs pitcher Kyle Farnsworth spinebuster slammed Reds’ pitcher Paul Wilson back in 03.

Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz:

You scored a total of 76

It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.

S C O R E S
If you scored: You may have…
70 & up: Adult ADD or ADHD
50 – 69: Moderate ADD or ADHD
35 – 49: Mild ADD or ADHD
25 – 34: Borderline ADD
0 – 24: No ADD likely

This is not a diagnosis tool.

I don’t know if it factored into Mark’s decision, but the stuff that’s making me think about ditching apple is just their subtle changes in attitude the last few years.

– abandoning all of their own ui guidelines,
– making itunes more and more like a popup ad for itself
– asking me if I’m going to join shittastic .mac *twice* during install
– spotlight and dashboard being just really poorly implemented
– the finder, it tastes like burning.

You know, the kind of stuff that John Siracusa writes about.

In 2001, if any other company had made an mp3 player that you couldn’t copy your music from, it would have sold about 15 units. Most everyone didn’t think about it at the time because it was so damn prettyShiny, but the ipod is A PORTABLE HARD DRIVE… THAT DOESN’T GIVE YOUR FILES BACK. That any company who claims to make user-friendly products would intentionally create such a device is Off-The-Fucking-Wall-Chex-absurd. In fact, it’s so insane that it has to have been done on purpose. I’m not privy to what that purpose is/was (I can guess), but I’m certain that it’s not a feature that I’m going to pay for. Which is pretty sad, because I think the ipod is the best mp3 player I’ve ever used.

Anyway, it’s the things like that. The sneaking suspicion that the priorities are changing for the Evil-er. And it is shame because I really like my mac, but it’s stuff like this that makes me want to just buy a ThinkPad, install some *nix, and just live with the non-lickable ui.

Am I the only one who likes the interface in classic better?

So I was explaining the spell Turn Undead to someone. I’ve always thought it to be kind of awesomely misnamed, since it does not turn YOU undead, but turns UNdead back into ACTUALdead. Or at least turn them away, as one would a Girl Scout Cookie dealer from a different neighorhood (undead or otherwise).

When asked how one “turns away” a zombie, it really got me thinking:

Could one turn a Girl Scout Cookie dealer (in the sense of turning them back into a harmless little girl, or turning them ACTUALdead.)

What would a zombie do if turned away? Go to the next house? Rethink it’s unlife? Cry Real Zombie Tears for the first time since I moved to Switzerland? Nigerian Email-style spam zombie activities?

Can little children in any form be considered harmless? What is my government doing about the mounting threat? Al Gore, where’s your movie about that, jerkwad?